*2021 Narcissus furiously trying to swipe right on a mirror*

I carry $10 in Monopoly money to remind you all of that time I won second prize in a beauty contest.

If the sight of a dog's ears flopping when it runs doesn't bring you joy, not much will.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie. Her: Just say you filled the dog's water bowl.

You hardly ever hear about Schrödinger's dog, who is still looking for that ball he may or may not have thrown.

Why did they call it an AI generated picture and not a 'fauxtograph'?

indifference & evil are fuck buddies

I got where I got because other people helped me. That's why I help other people.

Out and about? in this economy?

Tree on a hill watching its apples roll far away: Well, this was unexpected.

According to this bag of Doritos, I am an entire family.

Me: So, it hurts a lot and I'm having a hard time hearing. Doctor: *examines* Well, turns out you have a Scrabble piece in there. Me: Oh no, earache-tile dysfunction!

31 flavors should add a placebo

my new tattoo says CONFORMITY

You’re not the boss of me. My dogs are.

I'm a great dinner date if you want someone to take your cheeseburger's pulse

*Walks 500 miles *Walks 500 more *Is the guy who falls down at your door *Knocks *Gets no answer *Realizes he should have called first

A clown car, but it's just dog after dog doing tricks and being adorable. The audience tosses treats to them; life is grand!

The Devil: *looking in mirror* Oh, I'm losing my hair! Mrs. The Devil: Haha, you're going... TD: Don't you fucking dare! MTD: Ba'ald! TD: God damn you, Patrice!