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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Arms raised skyward “my will be done” looking at the unlit krispy kreme Hot Donut sign

Hear me out, airplanes for birds

I know why the caged bird sings, but I don't know why it plays air drums to “Funky Cold Medina.”

unfortunately my yacht had too many babes onboard and capsized from excessive twerking

While I don't want to die by being eaten by a shark, I also don't want to die any other way. It's a real dilemma

As much as I don't want international conflict, I'm a one issue voter, and that issue is to bring back asbestos.

Nobody talks about how early Godzilla looks like a featherless Big Bird.

Not to be that guy. But It should be called Obsessive Compulsive Order

[on my deathbed] Nurse: he's trying to say something Me: *sits bolt upright* TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES SPECIAL SAUCE LETTUCE CHEESE PICKLES ONIONS ON A SESAME SEED BUN

First time buying fireworks and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

Tryna learn how you say “hey yo we still in that murder business” in LinkedIn language

WW3: i can’t fire my weapon unless i first watch a 15-second unskippable ad for Raid Shadow Legends

Carrying a baby for nine months and then naming it Chet is insane

Top Baby Names 2025 - Boys 1. Hunter 2. Hunted 3. Jersey Mike 4. Shark 5. Rope 6. Crammo 7. Tariff 8. Yalta 9. Captain Stupid 10. Crooooooooooooow

Top Baby Names 2025 - Girls 1. Kate 2. Defekate 3. Truculence 4. Jenzee 5. 105.2 FM “The Whiff” 6. Stormbringer 7. Flaps 8. Pizzahutbuffet 9. Theremin 10. Lubrikate

"The Iranians moved their uranium" sounds like the start of a Dr. Seuss book.

Komfiskate

Try not to think of me as an individual or as part of a community or in general really

in my attic trying to find my old “Ayatollah - Assahola!” tee