Same director, all bangers

Does anyone want to pretend to be engaged so we can taste cake for free?

Big Nick Morty Stein Amber Pace @itssarahdutcher Josh Means Nicole Eichenberg @DUHHarmony @keithlowell Johnny Taylor, Jr. STAB! Comedy Theater 💪🏾💯

It’s so surreal that I’m making a mixed media art piece to give to #JeffreyCombs when I have dinner with him in two weeks.

Y’all, I promised I would never use my co-workers as comedy inspiration, but the chick next to me JUST PULLED A DIRTY DIAPER OUT OF HER PURSE

Remembering the time a female acquaintance tried to set me up with the guy who gave her chlamydia

Here are two words I think will make everyone uncomfortable: Carpeted kitchen

For once I’m glad I’m not rich, because running out of air in a 22-foot submersible operated by a wireless gamepad without GPS with four other rich people sounds like my absolute worst nightmare.

I don’t need to know what’s at the bottom of the ocean. I’ve read enough Lovecraft.

The PA I saw on Saturday asked if I was sexually active. I told her it’s more like sexually dormant at this point.

I just yelled into a mic for ten straight minutes, and I still don’t think anyone heard a word I said

The full moon falls on 7/3. Godspeed to everyone working in the ER this week. #fullmoon #FourthofJuly #missingfingers

You only love me for my memes.

Statler from 90DayFiance is amazing and I would totally hang with her.

My new life goal is to make something so delicious that Tyler Florence swears on national television.

#Meg2TheTrench is the worst thing that China has backed since the DPRK

If one more person assumes that they know what I’m thinking/feeling more than I do, I’m going off the grid.

Christian looks like a 70s game show host #b90tellall