I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''