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“This could’ve been an email”

I’ve caught Covid-19 more times than the Chiefs have caught TD passes

Super Bowl 55 in under 30 seconds

Instead of having to raise money to survive every catastrophe, I think we should have some kind of official body made up of people we choose that collects a set percentage of money from every American and then uses that money to give us aid during crises

“they’re finding tweets from last year joe”

law school is going well for me

“Nearly all of this increase is fentanyl contamination in some way. Heroin is contaminated. Cocaine is contaminated. Methamphetamine is contaminated.” Legalization over Criminalization

Your honor what’s the move after this like what’s everyone getting into

Me: hey can i watch-- The HBO max app: you can certainly try

my 29 year old boyfriend expressing his feelings

When my friends are trying to teach me the rules of a card game and I physically cannot listen.

Watching the Alabama game and the waiter just asked “besides the game, is everything okay over here?”

in a way we're all just ravioli

I have decided to stop pretending white claws are good

Very convenient of the Catholic Church to have confirmation but not unconfirmation 🤔

When you’re a #Netflix Engineer and see an HR meeting pop up on your schedule for Monday. #netflixcrash #buffering