Have we officially decided we aren’t using punctuation anymore? Did I miss the memo?

Who the fuck orders buttons? Aren’t they free? Don’t you just find them? My wife. My wife orders buttons.

Me, at every traffic light: “What’s this guy doing?”

Developmental psychologist say that a child should be starting to sound off in the comments by 18 months

People always give me shit for eating groceries in the store before paying for them. “Hey, you gotta pay first!” “Hey, you don’t own that yet!” “Hey, you gotta cook that chicken first!” Y’all need to mind your own business.

Somebody really dropped the ball not naming the Triceratops a “Rhynosaur”.

Marriage is just my wife trying to find new places to hide dryer sheets in my clothes. If done correctly, she is able to delay the escape of the sheet to the exact time of my most socially vulnerable moments.

That face you make when you realize Apple Watch knows exactly when you’re masturbating.

Why is there an ice pick in all of these horror movies? What is this, 1890? Do they have a block of ice delivered to their door by a horse-drawn wagon every week?

I just want you all to know, on this Election Day, no matter how it turns out, I love you all. ❤️ Also, I hate all of you.

Only in 2020 can people normalize and desensitize the term “pandemic”.

You expect me to believe you fact checked your political meme when you can’t even figure out how to put your phone on silent?

Things that need to exist... A claymation fight to the death, Tim Cook vs Steve Jobs on MTV ‘s Celebrity Deathmatch.

Yes, but whooooose hole? 🤔

This Thanksgiving is brought to you by... Hellmann’s Mayonnaise... Saving your dry ass turkey since 1905. Hellmann's Mayonnaise #Thanksgiving #Turkey

If you leave 3 seconds on the microwave instead of clearing it, we can’t be friends.

Swashbucklers only... How exactly does one buckle swashes?

Pop Rocks & Rock Pops. #America

We’re going Christmas Karening later if anyone wants to join. We are currently in need of a baritone troublemaker. #Christmas #Christmas2020 #ChristmasIsComing

In the next remake of Star Wars, there will be no Force without consent.