Sooo Port Authority's closed for who knows how long cause of an overturned sanitation truck? That garbage man must feel like a real piece of trash right now. But the union's still gonna protect him.

Mis declaraciones:

YEEEEEEEE(as)T

BREAKING NEWS: @CabanForQueens has conceded the Democratic primary for Queens district attorney to Melinda Katz. Photo: Mary Altaffer/AP.

Fart like nobody's smelling.

Sometimes I'm like, "Whoa this is such a huge thing in culture that I keep seeing everywhere!!!!!!!!" and then mute 1 person and realize it's not.

Welp, guess this is what got me back on Twitter.

Oh, we broke broke

You know you’ve fallen victim to capitalism when IG & FB being down freaks you out

Do TikTokers know what’s going on? 🤔

It’s almost like having tech conglomerates is a bad idea 🤷🏽‍♂️

The early 2000s/late 90s nostalgic movement‘s gone too far - now I’m reminded all we had to do was work during the day.

Friendly reminder you may not be able to get show updates through FB/IG today, but you can always use our independent site, 2small2failcomedy.com & subscribe to our newsletter! Check out upcoming lineups, our venues & more!

Donald Trump's a petty little bitch.

At this point his biggest policy initiatives to date have gotten dunked on by 1. the judicial branch 2. the legislative branch

I just entered to win two tickets to @IntChampionsCup match of my choice! #2017ICC goo.gl/c6Svt6

#chelseachampions

People in covfefe houses shouldn't throw covfefe. x.com/realdonaldtrum…

I unlocked $29 Rush tickets for Latin History for Morons on TodayTix! Tap here to unlock: go.todaytix.com/LHRush #TodayTixRush #LH4M

Thanks James Franco, you did it! #BabyYoureAFirework