[pulling back my aggressive dog] sorry lol he can tell you were born out of wedlock

Am I ok? Are other people seeing the same words I see

please wear cologne that matches your face, got me turning around to nonsense!!!

Richard Kind is to homosexuality as Catherine Zeta Jones is to Latinaness

the last ice cube in the cup

The last thing you see before the billionaires begin hunting you on an island.

If we can just get him to tweet that he hates Dolly Parton, Kamala could just stop campaigning completely.

Oh, he's definitely done for now.

Hard to explain how dumb the street closures were. They wouldn't even let my Lyft into the neighborhood to get home. So kinda pointless. But at least the city just proved that they can make Grant Park and parts of the city car free pretty easily! Let's get to it.

I also ask for drag queens to monitor the boarding process. Imagine how much better we'd all dress and how orderly the lines would be if we knew we'd be read to filth at any moment.

moo deng stuns on the emmys red carpet

Put Ayo and Reba in a buddy comedy and it would outgross Deadpool.

RuPaul is gonna go full Daniel Plainview now.

at the concert when they went offstage for the encore the girl next to me turned to her friend and said “they’re gonna leave and trick us into thinking they’re not coming back but they will. it’s a tiktok trend”

it must genuinely suck if you're on hour 4 of playing candy crush and someone suddenly shoots you for no good reason and you look up and it's your co-worker

OK, might be switching my vote now.

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE 2ND ROUND INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE ZOOM INTERVIEW WITH THE TEAM WITH THE VAMPIRE WE HAVE DECIDED TO PURSUE ANOTHER CANDIDATE BUT WILL KEEP YOU IN MIND IF FUTURE POSITIONS OPEN UP WITH THE VAMPIRE