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Love when I figure out how they make the sci-fi movie weapons. “Badass pool noodle, Ripley.” “Yes, Judge Dredd, I, too, have that lamp.”

made my own compass using a magnetized needle and a leaf. now every hike feels like i'm navigating through time

I just want enough money to live comfortably and for my butlers and servants to also live comfortably.

Yelp but for beautiful reviews only

I want my tax dollars to go towards Creedence records for the less fortunate.

Some say alligator. Some say crocodile. I say, when you're in the water, what does it matter.

Started from the bottom now we’re here (back at a new, even lower & previously unseen bottom)

Ok, everyone be quiet. A 5'11 man has something to say.

at the end of the day, we all just want someone who knows our favorite candy cigarette brand

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ!!! my favorite guy with two brains, a hard outer shell & a soft heart 😘❤️💓💕

I was at an open-mic poetry gathering last night. At one point, a woman, pissed off at Trump for climbing up on the White House roof, asked the audience, “What was he doing?” It’s an artsy crowd. I expected “Destroying the world!” — but, instead, those who spoke said, “Walking.”

If you kick somebody's ass while holding a fancy umbrella the whole time, the world is yours.

I almost called the cops to report a suspiciously rational response.

I didn't think it was possible, but you misspelled the word "I” (again).

Everyone's a gangster until their dog turns 13

The first draft of the Ten Commandments featured a few additional directives, including: "Thou shalt not churn thy neighbor’s myrrh.”

You hate to see me coming

James Garner day August 8th on TCM :-) Coming Up on TCM TCM

I'm coming up with gestures you've never even thought of.

Wildcat hot air ballooners are driving out the legitimate propane basket jockeys. It's a problem.