alright hear me out: maximum wage

listen, there are responsible gun owners who just enjoying hunting and I want to make it clear that I don’t care at all and they can find literally any other hobby

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States.

Trust isn’t really a factor, I just can’t throw anyone very far

July the fourth be with you idk you guys gotta like one of these fkn tweets eventually

Folding laundry is like packing to stay home.

Science, please confirm a spider’s house comes out of its butt

i would do absolutely anything for my friends except answer their text messages

Hey ladies don’t forget to move your drivers seat up one inch every ten years so you’re on track to be an old lady with your face up against the windshield

No one deserves as much money as the people who get to the airport at 5am to make shitty breakfast sandwiches for terrible people

there should be an opposite costco where u can buy just a little bit of stuff

October is wild because I can hide a dead body right on my lawn

Do other sex icons choke on water and pee their pants? Or just me.

ion do the lingerie baby come lift this family reunion shirt up 😭

we need a narcan for when weed makes you scared

the human mind was not meant to experience a grocery store

hey quit bugging me or i will inform you of a behavioral pattern that is noticeable to other people but i can tell you are not yet aware of

Ok new idea for TV it’s called “A bug named Doug” and I have no character development or back story or plot but like, I think it’s ready. Yes right??

Do dogs think we’re ugly

Ummm?