A sibling from east London who’s having issues with blood clots has just called to say I shouldn’t visit today, she doesn’t feel well and gales and flooding are forecast. I asked “deep rain from Bow sis”? No she said, It’s mainly the flooding #LunchPun

Which make of computer should you always use to search for your favourite musical artist? A Dell. #LunchPun

I couldn’t stop fantasising about kidnapping a pop group and holding them to ransom to pay off my debts, I’ve taken steps to resolve it. #LunchPun

Becoming a chiropodist for giants, huge feat. #LunchPun

Trying to find a photographer prepared to take pictures from distance, I know it’s a long shot. #LunchPun

My son just phoned to tell me he’s been selected to play for his football club‘s first team in North Wales. For real I exclaimed. No he said, you know I play for Bangor. #LunchPun

My wife was found dead with a snake and feather scarf. The boa constrict her? No, it was caused by the scarf. #LunchPun

I’ve finally written two books, one about minutes which is about time and one about hours, it’s about time too! #LunchPun

I think I’m allergic to pastry because some make me sneeze, especially a choux. #LunchPun

I have nosy neighbours so I put the beautiful Hillman that I keep on my driveway in a cardboard box, that had quite an imp packed. #LunchPun

I recently entered a tennis tournament for badger’s, I was beaten in the final by two sett’s #LunchPun

I’m anti verb but you is pro noun. #LunchPun

I want very close to the asking price for my gym business but there’s room for movement. #LunchPun

Why did Little Richard’s bath leak? Loose seal. #LunchPun

I don’t have many good friends so I ordered a gorilla from amazon, he’s going to be my prime mate. #LunchPun

My partner and I were laying a wall in our front garden when a brick layer walked past telling his mates what a terrible job we were doing, I looked at my wife and said “that’s diss our pointing”. #LunchPun

I’ve formed a new band called The Railway Engineer’s, we’re meeting up next week to lay down some tracks. #LunchPun

There’s always one 👀🤷🏻‍♂️ @BBCCountryfile #famous

I’ve just invented the worlds sharpest ever knife, it’s made using cutting edge technology. #LunchPun

My family decided to have a game of bundle during a recent visit to a local golf course. I ended up near the bottom, two under pa. #LunchPun