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This is Charlemagne. He is being held back from freshly baked cookies because they are "too hot." Promises his tongue has touched worse. 12/10

It’s about minus 7 in my car. Got out and it was like getting off the plane on holiday 🥵

Trying to sleep tonight:

Today I am choosing Soleros and violence.

One of the very bestest boys on the internet - I love him 🥰😂🐖

Sunbathing 🐿️

Feedback from the lad; his fillet steak isn’t pink enough. Have assured him I’ll try harder next time.

👀

In the last two weeks I’ve bought a washing machine, a microwave & had to buy a fridge freezer (engineer condemned it) Emptying the dishwasher & two of the rack prongs have just dropped off. The lads singing in the kitchen 🎶 my mum has got no money…she buys appliances🎶

Was like that messer from Birkenhead when I finally told him not to message me anymore

The chihuahua is eating ready salted Seabrooks

Oh good, it’s piss about o’clock, when the chihuahua has me up & down every 5 minutes opening & closing doors, so he can run around the garden with his bossy legs on

There’s a lad eating a Greggs in the queue for McDonald’s drive through

the unbearable lightness of shitposting

Invisible bike