my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

The conversation around UCLA medical school is really interesting, because if 50% of their student body is failing exams and black students only make up less than 2% of their student population. You can do the rest of the math…

Your Aunt on Facebook right now:

just played my first show as a free motherfucking woman

Happy Pride from the CPAP Store

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I say give them both a Roku remote and the first one to start a movie gets to be president

why does it feel like we entered into another alternate universe…like wdym liam payne is dead

This is like when the first Beatle died

LIAM DIED AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE FIRST ONE DIRECTION REUNION BEING A FCKING FUNERAL

remember the tumblr post that was like one day you’ll be 50 and driving and the radio will announce a one direction member has died so you pull over… yeah that wasn’t supposed to be now

Better Ways to Say "Noted" in Emails 📌

requesting jan 6 off from work just to make HR wonder

*first day of working at the mayo clinic* me: welcome to the Mayo Clinic we are going to check your mustard and ketchup levels now nurse ranch: the patient is bleeding me: quick grab the aioli

The reveal, the pop, the gesture Why did he eat this up?

I don’t generally condone approaching internet comedian ophthalmologists at the airport for medical advice, but on the plus side, I did prevent a 60 year old woman from getting LASIK.