Me: New outfit? Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for… Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone. Wife: …minutes.

the power of advertising

Last night’s winning numbers in the Mega Jenny drawing: 8, 67, 5, 30, 9

Bar at Heathrow One hour on a Airport treadmill 🤝 Trying to get rid of these last 15 pounds

It’s a beautiful day. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Who are you supposed to talk to about the walk up music for your funeral?

There's tennis elbow, and golfer's elbow, but surprisingly no drinker's elbow.

I intend to become a complete bitch at 10k

Hey everybody, there's a Halloween Party at the Hotel California this year!

Makes dentist appointment early in the morning so I don’t worry about it all day. (Wakes up at 2am worrying about morning dentist appointment.)

hammocks are a gateway drug to nirvana

It has a Half Pound Pattie.

All these people talk about kindness and social responsibility but then they retweet poetry

filling out job applications like:

Videt diem. (Sees the day.)

*I watch in slow motion, Carl Orff’s O Fortuna playing in the background, as my sunglasses fall into a public toilet*

i really wanna see that bunny

Elon Musk Elon, buddy, you’re just radiating “substitute teacher who’s in over his head” energy right now.