As a technically “dead” American, I cannot vote. But if you are still among the living and wish not to be conscripted to a life of toiling in the completely hollow coal mines, please rise from your Instagramming chair and cast your vote for all of the Democrats on your ballot.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard? Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you Me: Not now Dad Dad: Not asking for a dead Federalist to help, are they? Me: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now Dad: Go see if losing a duel helps

I can say with absolute certainty that the founding fathers did not adequately offer provisions for a circumstance in which government quarters could be infiltrated by the lead singer of Jamiroquai.

For those who asked, no, I have no plans to see Hamilton. For starters: I am not a child & thus have no interest in musical theater.

This Presidents' Day, let me remind you: I was never president.

Also: Scalia was a great guy. Bite your kale-flavored tongues for a moment and consider that he never technically murdered anyone.

Eat that, Jackson. Welcome to the club, Mrs. Tubman. (Literally: $20 bills get used a lot at clubs.)

Remember: there's only one letter different between "revenue" and "revenge."

Dead men can't vote. But you can! Unless you are a child or Italian person or some other worthless animal. #IDidntVoteBecauseImDead #GoVote

Oh, also, you should obviously not vote for the man with the boar's anus for a mouth. I think Mrs. Clinton would have been a Federalist.

Not even my favorite band, 3 Doors Down, can cheer me up about the loss of dignity and integrity our once great nation will face anon.

It's not called Hotlanta for no reason.

I miss Left Shark.

I haven't been this on edge since Aaron Burr shot me. Fatally.

I hope you're all happy with this garbage society we've created where Budweiser is the hero and the Patriots win. I'm dead and I want to die

It has been posited that when pizza is served atop a bagel, one can eat said pizza AT ANY TIME OF DAY! Can this be true?!

This is just like when a bad storm hit Virginia, and Washington threw bundles of cheesecloth at the (mostly dead) victims. x.com/nytimes/status…

Going to a Halloween party tonight dressed as Slutty Ben Franklin (so just regular Ben Franklin).

Merry Michaelmas!

Have you ever placed an order with Amazon dot com just to receive text messages from someone, anyone, for a couple of days? Neither have I. I was just asking. Unrelated: I now have something called an “Instant Pot.”