OUT: work wife IN: corporate cousin (surface level small talk, knowing looks when authority figures act a little crazy, accidentally get drunk around them at an event and discover each others interiority never to be discussed again)

My gf just described Australian food as “shit a 5 year old would walk in the kitchen and make”

Aang would have wanted me to see it for free anyway

you know when men decide something that has a mass female audience is bad by default? I feel the same way about breaking bad

Sent an email, Checked it off my to-do list and they responded in less than 5 minutes now I gotta add this to the list again

I am no mans dream girl. No man could ever imagine and create a woman as complex and beautiful as me.

You won’t queerbait me into watching a Colleen Hoover movie. Not this time

Why do i keep experiencing global recessions. I want a tattoo

She never increases the price of her subscription.

karl marx IS brat

my uncle is an authorised officer. he is completely devastated by the news. Does the Premier understand the harm she’s doing to the proud men and women who wear the uniform? He’s literally in the garage right now pretending to give tickets to his dog just to feel something

The anxious ADHD urge to be incredibly clean in common spaces but have your room look like a storage room and a landfill had a kid

My grandpa just found out that my sister is bisexual

awwww your leitmotif is being played in a major key :D im so proud of u for breaking the shackled of your dark past and finding redemption in forgiveness!!

millennial women’s retirement plan is “live communally with all my best friends golden girls style” while millennial men’s retirement plan seems to be murder suiciding their entire families

The names of kings have been worn away by the sands of time. Gods once feared are forgotten. Monuments to the immortality of civilizations now shattered into the cobblestones of another. But one man shall survive forever because he was a really, really shitty copper merchant.

that shit say Werner Herzog