I won't make the same mistakes next year; I'll just make a bunch of different ones.

Say what you will about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but Leatherface had surprisingly good cardio

4: How long till you'll be home? Me: *heading to work* ah, about 8 hours... 4: ARE YOU CRAZY?!

BREAKING: Scientist Creates Monster Made Of Teeth, Is Stunned When Monster Bites

Beatrice: call me Bea, dearie Beatrix: call me Mistress, worm

Y’all don’t know what you’re missing over on the ‘don

First Written Words Post Cardiac Arrest Damar Hamlin: Did we win? My Mother: Can I have a Coke?

I just want to be rich enough to be considered eccentric instead of unstable.

I put in my time now so that I can die at my retirement party later.

Dogs probably see you turn on a lamp and are like what the f*ck kind of sorcery is this?

Me: I need to return these, they keep making me sick Maternity nurse: You can’t return your kids, ma’am

my wife said she wanted to trade in her van for a smaller vehicle but i said no. then the car caught fire yesterday. i'm feeling sus about this event and also fear for my life.

When are your porch lights on?

Whatever side of the parking lot I start parking on when I first go someplace is where I park until the day I die.

[1936] Steinbeck: What did you think of the draft of 𝘖𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘢𝘯? Publisher: It needs more characters. Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.

Frog: WAKE ME UP! Snake: Wake me up inside!

emergency!