If you put your hand in a fish tank for long enough, the fish think your hand is another fish, then you can just touch gently them whenever you want

Now’s not the time to be telling me about my screen time, Apple. Please read the room

Been in solitude long enough that this ethylene molecule looks thicc

What’s your favourite red flag to give off? Mine is sleeping on my back with my arms crossed over my chest

There’s a big difference between “I saw some pigeons fuck” and “I watched some pigeons fuck” apparently. Anyway there’s a lot birds outside.

A metaphor

Contrary to what their vest says, you absolutely can pet seeing eye dogs. You just gotta be real quiet about it

If you haven’t heard yet. On the Michaels Stores website, you can chat to other customers and answer their craft questions. #michaels

In the movie Matilda, why was Danny DeVito both the narrator and Matilda’s dad?

And I’ll crush them all the same

Is anyone else’s savings account currently a pile of the commemorative coins you get in your change that feel too fancy to spend?

Trying to buy a watch but I have womanly wrists. Every watch salesperson tries to convince me I don't, but I know what they're playing at

@MerrickDaniel91 @Colkroach I feel like I came late to a party and everyone is already drunk and hooking up

I've never taken off my pants when I'm angry. I don't know why 'keep your pants on' is such a common reply to anger

Asking someone 'what are you wearing' on the phone can be alluring, but if you ask them in person, it's insulting.

I've never seen an animal get knocked the fuck out.

Coriander would be a nice girl's name

Today I saw a man that had the mouth of a child