for god so loved the world, he sent jimmy to eat it

Tried giving our alpaca The Rachel but she wound up looking more like an Emo Nick Nolte.

Finally have enough Father's Day ties to make a noose.

[Interview] Manager: It says here you discovered the element of Cargonium. What's that? Me: It's what cargo pants and shorts are made from. Manager: I think we're done here. Me: Wait! We didn't get to Dadbodium.

WOAH

My favorite movie about a blowjob thief is Hudson Hawk Tuah.

US Olympic trials, but for presidential nominees.

Robert F Kennedy Jr. watching the debate.

Thank you for your analysis, CNN, but I think it was already pretty obvious who lost the debate last night. (The entire country.)

Me: *sits down to eat* My dog: I HAVE TO GO POOP RIGHT NOW!

What should I name my The Pretenders cover band?

Fucked around with Gwen Stefani and found Doubt.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that an Oasis reunion tour would last more than one show.

Good news...

We installed a swear jar to help curb our potty-mouthed parrots before realizing they have no concept of commerce and no way of earning money.

Some porcupines got into our sheep barn over the weekend. When we came in this morning, we had a bunch of freshly-knit sweaters.

More like Pen Diddy.

Jets Make Bald Move #NFL

The Pumpkin Spice channel is just like the Spice channel except that everyone fucks pumpkins.

Spring forward, fall backstreet's back