Had a date last night and I can’t handle silence so during a lull in the conversation I mentioned how I thought wario and waluigi were gay lovers and how wario is undoubtedly the bottom, not due to his short stature but from waluigis pure “bend you over” vibe he’s got going on

Draco taking a thirst trap for Voldemorts private story

Today at work a 54 yr old woman was biting me as I was flossing her, and I gave her like 10 seconds to realize and had to say “OPE, you’re biting me a little bit” and even then I had to wiggle my fingers for her to stop. She later hacked a loogie into her bib

This might actually be my year *knocks on wood just in case*

I’m having every guy that I date make themselves as a Mii

me: yes i’m sexually active the dentist: i didn’t ask

Me after I fuck up a plate of Alfredo from my local Olive Garden (Yes I’m bringing the paint lip grandpa meme back. It’s the last time I felt something)

I miss being kid and watching inflation from the sidelines 😢

Me on a family road trip after I suction cupped the cap of my orange bug juice to my lips for half an hour

What kind of bug juice kid were you. If your color is not on this list you were a little freak

I have bought from multiple coworkers food fundraisers that they’re selling for their kids school out of a feeling of obligation. I never thought it would come full circle and I am paying penance for my past fundraiser laziness. But now I have 9 frozen pan pizzas

#NewProfilePic

Ahhhh to drive over the bong bridge again, it’s pretty high

Micro-dosing dairy, to feel something

My friend introducing me to their other friend

The worst part of living alone is that I have to be the big killer. If I do not kill the bug the bug will live with me, simply not okay and I live everyday in fear

In my dry season (not currently having diarrhea)

me and my friends when we link up 😂

“I want an 8 that fucks like a 6 with something to prove” - Hailey

Having to clean children’s teeth at work has been the best birth control I could ever ask for. Just cleaned the antichrists teeth and about to call my gyn and ask if I can have a 2nd IUD placed