Me: Bathroom is cleaned. Wife: Thank you. Me: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower? Wife: What? Me: Why is the toilet brush in the shower? Wife: What the hell are you talking about? Me: The puffy thing with the handle. Wife: MY LOOFAH?! Me: You named the toilet brush?

Pulling my phone up off the floor by the phone charger is the closest I’ll ever come to fishing.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There's no way to tell.

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

I'm going to need to know what temperature you keep your thermostat at before I agree to come over.

It’s crazy that hunting and gathering were separate jobs. Like, you’re already in the woods. You can’t grab some berries?

My personal style could best be described as, "I wasn't expecting to leave the house."

I don’t have the energy to ride or die, but if anyone wants to sit and snack, I can be available for a couple of hours tomorrow.

I don't subscribe to any magazines, but if they came out with "Good Enough Housekeeping," that's one I might read.

I get annoyed when it takes longer than five seconds for a website to load on my phone like I didn't grow up dropping a roll of film off at the store and waiting five days to get pictures back.

6:00 PM in the summer: The night is young! Let's stay outside for hours! 6:00 PM in the fall: Well it's dark, so I guess I'll get ready for bed now.

It only takes one person driving slow in the left lane to shatter any illusion that I’m actually a good person.

I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, three meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to leave the house, wear real pants, or talk to anyone for more than 10 minutes.

If you've ever been told to arrive at your appointment 15 minutes early so you can fill out the same forms you filled out online and then wait 45 more minutes for the doctor to actually see you, I wrote this for you. provokedmagazine.com/my-body-my-tem…

Nothing triggers my memory of what I need from the store quite like driving home away from the store.

When I was a kid, we didn't have parking lot "Trunk or Treats." We put our costumes on over snow suits and walked miles in rain, snow, and wind to earn pillowcases full of chocolate and Pixy Stix we would mainline like heroin addicts.

There are people who spend hours carving pumpkins and I just ate a banana because I didn't want to cut up an apple.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck. Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

Therapist: It seems like you have a problem with projecting your feelings onto others. Me: No, I don’t. You’re the one with the problem.