HER: I think we should break up ME: But...why? HER: I don't know if it's your terrible puns or the fact that you don't "believe" in the color blue ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction HER: Or both

I bought a fishing license and am looking forward to riding fish, legally.

Vladimir Putin is an asshole pass it on

Embarrassed Woman Hopes Coworkers Didn’t Catch Her Bashing Forehead Into Keyboard bit.ly/3Hvkyci

Can you imagine how pissed Aaron Rodgers is that he didn’t think of faking his own retirement for the attention

Getting 8 hours of sleep isn't enough I want to slumber underneath the earth for millennia like the old gods

What the hell does March have to be mad about

Kazoos are a scam. Just humming into a stick. Oldest trick in the book

Sir, that is an alien.

Ok fine I’ll bite. Wtf is a sedan

lowering gas prices would be an insult to all of us who've paid for high gas prices

Pretty rude of the nhl to assume that an 8:30 puck drop isn’t wildly disruptive to my normal sleep schedule

frown! at the henge

A hotdog is a sandwich.

It's that pottery scene from Ghost except it's me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

I put my phone in Airplane! mode and now it calls me Shirley