I think the worst part of living in New York would be living each day knowing that if something happened, you’d probably die before an ambulance ever made it to you.

Are you sure you’re okay? Because you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe...

If you don’t take off your backpack on the train, I will get irrationally angry, say nothing, and take it out on my coworkers. You’ve not been warned.

Just think... 300 years from now there will be romance novels written about heartbreaking love stories of people being kept apart because of the pandemic.

8am-noon: look at the little screen noon-7pm: look at the medium screen 7pm-4am: look at the big screen 4am-8am: why cant i sleep

Can I be someone less embarrassing for awhile?

Refuge Crisis, The Sequel. #ElectionNight

I'm not too stressed over the pending civil war & mass extinction. I don't like any of you anyway.

America: Takes 2 steps forward. Gets distracted by something shiny. Follows it and take 20 steps backward.

I need a coffee just to get out of bed in order to make a coffee. Life is hard.

"Stop Being Socially Awkward" – It's like this #SMWChicago chat was made for me. #SMWStopBeingAwkward

Dinner? Yeah I had a few glasses.

I just want to sleep, drink wine, and sleep while drinking wine.

Pizza, red wine, and Star Wars... now that's a good Saturday night. 🙌🏽

When is "Bring Your Bed to Work Day"?

Just imagine having to clean the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles before Windex...

Mom: Did you meet anyone memorable? Me: Yes! There was this dog... – An actual conversation & some insight into my love life.

Literally every time I hang out with you I throw up... Like the next day... Because I was hungover...

Til dawn do us part.