A rival dad’s wife complimented my hat right in front of him while I was dropping my son off at school this morning. #RIP

San Diegans when there’s a “severe” thunderstorm warning…

Pop Tarts needs to have a doughnut flavor and call them Cop Tarts, and stock every patrol car with them. I’m ready to be hired now, Kellogg’s.

Customer signed off an email today with “Be well,” but didn’t finish it with “John Spartan,” and now my whole day is ruined. #demolitionman

I have done absolutely and utterly *nothing* today, and it is every tiny little bit as glorious as Peter Gibbons told me it would be in 1999

Relationship with Uber Eats Driver: “It’s Complicated”

*Sees a twenty-something wearing a Nirvana t-shirt* “If you’re such a fan, name 4 of their studio albums”

My toxic trait is not being hungry, but ordering 6 crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, with Diablo sauce, simply because of nostalgia and the fact that I was very hungry and drove by an open Taco Bell.

Sometimes, all it takes to make the day better is a good “So I Married an Axe Murderer” quote sesh with a good friend 💙

Friend: “Oh hey man, how you been?!” Me, pouring Cholula on a peanut butter cookie: “Oh ya know… Livin’ the Dream.”

I’m not in bad shape, but I am at the age where exiting my car necessitates a deep groan, followed by a big stretch.

He’s a 10, but he always has to return some video tapes.

I will legitimately interrupt myself mid-sentence to sing along with my favorite instrumental solos or lyrics of songs I love. I am *that* friend.

I wanna start a band called Creezer, where it’s Weezer songs, done in the style of Creed.

Good ol’ Mike Roesoft done us dirty today, huh…

I just typed “ruh roh” in a text, and my phone corrected it to “Rub Rob” and I didn’t catch it before sending. So looks I’ll be having anxiety about that for the rest of my life.

My kid: Hey dad, when are you gonna be done in your studio? Me: As soon as I get these cables coiled up, bud. Kid: Oh, that sounds like it’ll take a while… Me: It’ll go faster if I have help. Kid: *fades out of the room like Homer Simpson into the hedges*

I love it when people say things like “6am in the morning” Oh, thanks for clarifying. I thought you meant 6am at night.

You see, the problem isn’t that I spent WAY too much money on deli fresh pastrami & Swiss cheese. It’s that I assumed I’d have the self-control to not eat it all within 10min of arriving home.

The fact that there’s a street near my home called Van Houten, but no cross street called Van Hollerin is truly heartbreaking to my keen dad joke sensibilities