I hope this email kills us both

“i asked chatgpt-” NEXT TIME DON’T. ask ME, choose ME, i can misinform you. i do it with love and affection

they should invent a day where i don’t wonder why

My son is watching his first Super Bowl. He just said “Daddy, why don’t both teams just share the trophy and be friends?” He’s 17. His teachers are really worried about him.

The Bible was very much not written in English

It’s there forever now, John. This is the first time it’s ever snowed and it stays forever

i am very firm in my stance that i will never kill myself, but if they brought back the Panera lemonade that kills you i would think about it a little

Made brown rice on the white rice setting and it was fine. Wondering what else doesn’t matter

yall ever try journaling n then realize it looks like ur writing a suicide note

I be like “i need to lock in” and it’s just me moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer

In high school we had a bit we called "The Orb" where at night we put a bunch of glow sticks in a fish bowl in the middle of the road and if a car slowed down to look at it our friend would come out from behind a tree in his gorilla suit

i was born in the right generation, i love air fryers and jacob elordi

Adding cleavage to the LinkedIn profile pic #WhenPushComesToShove

at my desk silently saying “what the hell are you even talking about” every time i receive an email. even if it’s an email i understand and was expecting

THIS ONE LMAO

My daughter is interested in getting into smoking cigarettes (for weight loss) does anybody have any recommendations for beginner cigarettes that won’t make her cough too much? She hasn’t been taking to the Marlboro Reds. She’s 11