Very selfish of my therapist to be on vacation right now.

I don’t really want a boyfriend but I do want someone to do a puzzle with.

Thought a guy was hitting on me at soccer last night when he asked for my number. Turns out ya boy just needed another girl for his coed team.

A guy: have any good porn suggestions? Me: have you tried Food Network?

PERKS OF DATING ME: -low self esteem; will never leave you -titties -????

I’m cryin

These kids figured out how to play with their next door neighbors while social distancing 🙏 (via Laura Pettigrew)

If he's talking about the old Ann Arbor bookstore, I totally agree.

Can someone please tell me HOW I spent over a year and a half getting played by a guy that dresses like a youth pastor? TYIA

if millennials wanted to avoid being crushed by the financial crisis, they should have voted for Gore in 2000 when they were 12 years old

When the world is back to normal and guys are calling women crazy...let’s all remember who was letting their roots grow in and who was giving themselves Peaky Blinders haircuts.

Couples that have their anniversary in any social media bio... y tho?

My four year old requested that we listen to Billie Eyelash and honestly I think that should be your new name billie eilish

Today I apologized, and then apologized for apologizing. And that’s on my insurance not covering my anxiety meds until next week.

WHOA...

Four people on my Insta feed got engaged this weekend. I spent my Sunday watching how the sunlight travels through my apartment so I can find more places for plants.

Saturn has returned to my Second House. Please do not contact me for the next 2-3 years.

Senate MINORITY leader Mitch McConnell... Doesn’t that sound f*cking great 😂!

try the new blue raspberry slushie!

jeremy allen white as carmen "carmy" berzatto. that's it. that's the tweet.