just checked an old email account and found out my grandpa has been emailing me for years

RIP my grandpa you would have loved this shirt

if i am near a whole foods with more than 5 minutes to kill i will spend $17. it doesn’t matter if i’m full or if my fridge is stocked. i will always spend $17 at a whole foods.

i think childcare is the hardest job because a kid will be like “do you want to hear me count to nine” and you have to say yes

me looking in the mirror after going on exactly one run and seeing that i don’t have the exactly body type of one of the pussycat dolls yet: what the actual fuck

every girl group chat is called something like “the cocktail clan 🧚‍♀️💖✨⚡️🌸” and every guy group chat is like “tucker’s hemorrhoid lounge 🤙”

“we want grandchildren” best i can do is this cat

personally, i would LOVE to talk about Bruno.

never stop believing…….. crossroads trading just took SEVEN of my items 🥹

this is the best tweet i have ever read

if you would choose hearing other peoples’ thoughts as your superpower i am scared of you

i belong to a certain ballet inspired workout gym and it’s like soooooooo obvious it’s a cult……………… buttttt my ass has never looked better so give me the kool aid 🤪

i cannot stress enough how much i am not going to ask you an anonymous question on instagram - we’ve already been through this in 2009 with formspring. it ended in tears. let’s wrap this up.

hey (with the intention of convincing you to see a therapist)

me in the middle of a freestyle rap battle: can u please just give me a sec i need to think of a rhyme

have unfortunately decided to tweet again

Little Old Lady got a makeover✨ Check out our gorgeous new website and read about your gorgeous new editors at littleoldladycomedy.com! Submissions are now open for humorous short stories, essays, poems, cartoons, and comics. 📝 #littleoldlady #comedicwriting #literaryhumor