how about a movie where a genius mathematician solves complicated janitor problems

Just found out my girlfriend of three years is actually my state-appointed social worker

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket Cop: is that an olive in there?

Just 6 days and my GoFundMe has already raised over 10,000 red flags.

don’t talk to me until ive had my pyramid of needs!! ☕️

[someone sends me a six minute video] “Hey Siri, set a six minute timer.” [six minutes later] “ha ha, thanks! That was great.”

oh so all of a sudden my borderline personality is a disorder?

Faking my own life

I got 99 problems and every ones a red balloon.

You wouldn't survive an 80s playground.

All systems no

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

Them: You let your cat sleep in bed with you??? Me: Dude, my cat is my power of attorney

No one ever thinks to throw a stick when being attacked by a werewolf

Okay everyone, it is time for our pills.

That’s my emotional support scorched earth

Karma is my boyfriend, that's why it's leading me on

Establishing dominance over my new therapist by name dropping Freud, mom's uterus

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.