“Five minutes, Mom. We’re playing pirates.”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a cowboy poet.

I’ve been here on TWITTER since 2009 I think and I have awesome friends to show for it. Bring back old school TWITTER. Hashtag Elon Sucks.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I hope the series finale is just reairing the actual Game of Thrones finale.

'Can't shit in the woods now without a random woman watching us.'
- Bears

When Trumps falls asleep in court, someone should stick his hand in a bucket of warm water and make him pee his pants.

Pie is not for warriors on the move. The Third Army didn't barnstorm Europe on pie. Cookies are mobile, easy to conceal, a tactical dessert.

I have a gag order, too. Amazon is supposed to deliver it tomorrow.

Just Bill I read that in a magazine.

Marriage is just two people asking each other what's wrong until one of them dies.

Has anyone looked into how her grandpa died?

Weird but true 👍

That time I drove a wedge of suspicion between Benny and the Jets.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where I raised myself

Nothing more humbling than turning on the lyrics within Spotify to your favorite 80s songs and realizing you’ve sounded like an idiot for 40 years.

THAT WAS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT CICADA!

Authorities name Kristi Noem 'a person of interest' after re-opening the cold case of the killing of Bambi's mother.

I've been trying to strengthen my peripheral vision because side-boob season.