OK FAMILY MEETING SERIOUSLY GUYS WHERE ARE ALL OUR FORKS?

As my wife falls asleep fully clothed from a day of playing super mom, I can't help but think how lucky and blessed we are to have her -

And if she would just hold still, I could finish drawing this penis on her forehead.

#dadlife #Marriage

'Omg this looks like a penis,' she screamed in the middle of Denny's as she took a bite out of her pancake she believed to be shaped like a penis.

Marriage is just two people asking each other what's wrong until one of them dies.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

son: When does mom get back from her trip? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

my favorite part of the day is when no one around me is making any noise.

Me: *staring off in the distance*

Her: Aw, what’re you thinking about

Me: *wondering if I could mount a Tshirt cannon to my shoulder like Predator* Just you babe

I did some checking and it turns out I don't have to explain shit to you

🙏🏻🙏🏻

You have exactly .03 seconds to respond after I send you a selfie before I light your car on fire

you're weak af if you leave your girl just because she stabbed you a FEW times

one time my ex sleep kneed me in the butthole in the middle of the night and I yelled OOO MY BUTTHOLE and the neighbor yelled back WHAT

My eczema is handmade from scratch.

Modern dating: I’m into you, you say you’re into me, but you act like you’re not. Which makes me not want to be into you even if I’m actually into you. But I gotta act like I’m not really into you bc you’re acting like you’re not really into me

You can tell a lot about a guy by how many women he follows who look absolutely nothing like you

Ladies, if he wouldn’t drag his balls through 3 miles of broken glass and climb a honey locust naked just to hear you fart through a walkie talkie…he ain’t the one.

I came here to do two things: pray and quote Natalie Imbruglia, and I’m all out of faith

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news