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I just realized that I can tell how excited I am for a first date depending on if I subconsciously choose to use my expensive makeup or my cheap makeup.

.Emory Dining Love you all! Would sell my soul for Diet Barq’s root beer in the Rollins vending machine. Please reply. V important.

Same tbh

9 year old me when my sims would go under the sheets to have sex x.com/Play4Wichita/s…

Who wore the UNC Off-Whites better? Coach Williams or LeBron James? #CarolinaSZN

Important info. Thanks @serotavirus

Just found stringed cheese in my cleavage. Not sure if it’s sad or funny. Thoughts? Opinions?

"Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

who else is drinking blue cocktails tonight?? i just poured windex into a martini glass

🐔

I need an ESC asap please. Do I send you my cell or what?

Now do you understand why Republicans suppress Black votes? I hereby declare that the Southern states are not red. They are suppressed.

Shout out to the top 5 gars in the world, banzo, goyle, field, th Brooks and funkel.

ProTip: don't cook with cayenne pepper with allergies. Especially if you compulsively touch your face. 🔥👃🏼🔥

Has anyone tried taking a picture of Ben Carson with the flash on?

Just sent my first fax! I feel older, wiser and MUCH more mature than I did 10 minutes ago.

Pope Your Enthusiasm

Just did a self evaluation at work. I said my only area for improvement is my posture.

One of these two men is lying. I wonder if it's the guy who served 3 presidents from 2 parties or the one who said Obama is from Kenya?

Our silence on this is embarrassing. x.com/latimes/status…