if you watch My Girl backwards, an angry mob of bees have a change of heart and bring a child back to life with their asses.

One thing about New York that is burned into my memory is the time I was at Yankee Stadium and they showed Mick Foley on the jumbotron and the Bronxiest voice I've ever heard screamed THAT GUY'S WRESTLING NAME WAS HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN

imagine having financing options in the 1600's. just buying a big fucken ship and being like 'yeah, i promise to pay 20 pigs per month for 72 months, i swear' then going off on an adventure and dying at sea. a true vibe

Personally I enjoy a good chuckle from time to time

🎶 AND IIIIIIIIIIII

Scuttlebutt in the office that two of my coworkers have been caught groping and/or necking in the file room. I'm so overwhelmed I might spontaneously combust. It involves all of my favorite things: gossip, office drama, and sexual tension. I'm gonna float away.

you should be able to shazam farts and see who did it

“my kids think my mean posts about them are funny” yeah i wasn’t brave enough to stand up to my parent’s awful behaviour until my 30s either.

Excuse me who bought almost the entire supply of liquid nitrogen

[2019]

Me: [Sting voice] message in a butthole

*viral*

friend: how’s the diet going?
me who just ate my lunch at 9:40am: good

Deodorant is wild to me. 'Here rub this goo into your armpits and you won't smell like onions later.' Sir if this was the olden days you'd be convicted of witchcraft without a trial.

Partner 1: I'm breaking up with you.

Partner 2, a famously melancholy singer-songwriter who hasn't released an album in a few years because things have been going well for once: oh hell yeah

Every time I think I know all of the my little pony characters my daughter brings a new one home and she’s like daddy this is cake bastard

costumes are wasted on halloween. i wanna sit down for christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

sorry i’m late i had to help my friend shovel coal into his android phone

My BBC (bossy boomer coworker) saw me using keyboard shortcuts and when she noticed I had copy pasted instead of saying oh neat what a time saver she told me it was against company policy lmao help

Confession time: all of my tweets are actually written by a chinchilla named Thurman