Glib

Pigeon Apocalypse

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He's very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

he looks like a very kindhearted mouse who got turned into a prince

whatever they’ve got drew barrymore on i need that right away this is not a joke a jape or a jest it is a call to ACTION

husband: look, you’d love this

me: oh I do, but I wouldn’t get it because you’d say I need to be able to see out in case—

[at the same time]: there was a T-REX!

'you shouldn't let your cat jump on the counter' my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

today would have been my dad’s birthday. he was one of like 600 people left fluent in our language. one time a tv crew he felt was kind of pretentious put him on an international program and asked him to sing a métis song, so he sat there and sang “our asses stink so bad”

Hats off to the big man. ❤️👏🇮🇪🇵🇸

I love how Shaq signs on to sell literally any product. He’s like Krusty the Clown

Drea please no

[invention of opera]
what if yelling was wonderful

discovered my first white hair the day after turning 40

doing this bit on instagram where i think ella purnell is from new jersey despite being extremely british bc she played a jersey girl in yellowjackets just waiting for someone to call me out

Fk up you lil marmalade cunt

my thoughts on turning 40 today

if i worked at starbucks and you’re a jerk there’s a 0% chance i’m spelling your name right. enjoy your coffee bitchell.

For employee appreciation week my boss told our team we could pick our 'treat' and asked me 1st and I immediately blurted out 'ooooh a soft pretzel please' and my coworker gave me the shittiest grin as he requested 2 additional personal days, which were granted and I-