The best life choice I ever made was to always take responsibility and never put the blame on others, no matter what. This decision changed my life, literally. One day, I got a huge promotion offer at work. Which I rejected respectfully, only to start my own business.

When aliens come to destroy the Earth, they'll be happy we did all the work already.

- Mom, what is a lesbian?
- I'm busy, sweetie. Go ask Mom.

Got fired from the movie theater for putting subtitles on all the big screens.

I didn't say you're being over dramatic. I just asked if you could turn down the violins in the background.

Me: Did you lock the front door?
Her: Yes. Is that why you woke me up?
Me: Sorry, but it's starting to get chilly outside.

Mastodon to Threads to Bluesky.

The options just got bigger where you can go and make an ass of yourself.

A good relationship is when you both share the same taste in porn.

You know you're in love when you don't mind losing hours of sleep just so you have more time to spend with her.

When I go to the barber, I hand him a note saying 'I want a haircut.' He thinks I'm deaf and never talks. Sometimes I even get a free haircut.

I am pretty sure I wouldn't complain if more Bollywood style dance numbers broke out in my life.

In Mother Russia, pumpkin spices you.

That phase in life when you realize that's life and it's not a phase.

Her: What book has affected your life the most?
Me: Little Women.
Her: Really, why?
Me: My mom used to hit me with it.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.

I don't suffer from a shortage of sleep, just an excess of being awake.

I believe humans are the only animals that generate trash!

Some people use the word love too loosely, I mean seriously what kind of person loves kale.

People who stare at me picking my nose in the car, you are disgusting.

There comes a point during a heated argument where you think you're winning, so to finish with a knockout, you make it personal and say all the hurtful things you can think of. At this very moment, when you can almost taste the victory - that's where you lost.