I am having a hard time getting the yoga instructor I hired online to leave my house...

Every time I ask them to leave, they just say “namaste”

I just bought a thought controlled air freshener.

My wife thinks it’s dumb but it makes scents when you think about it.

I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit, but that’s just my two scents.

My son’s fourth birthday was just the other day. When I saw him in the morning, I didn’t recognize him at first.

I had never seen him be four.

May the 4th be with you.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone....BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

Times Square

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They're calling it the Apollo G.

Sally worked at the fertilizer plant.

We never met but ma knew her.

Why did the sad ghost use an elevator?

To lift his spirits.

I told a joke on a Zoom Meeting and no-one laughed…

It turns out I'm not remotely funny.

A dragon would never explode.

But a dino might.

I'm trying to remember what the French word for white is...

But my mind keeps going blanc.

People think grass don't be wet in the morning.

But it dew.

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes.

She was lack toes intolerant.

My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public library

But they told us it was all booked up

Why are skeletons so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin.

Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.

I turned to a local tribesman and said 'That lizards really funny.'

The tribesman replied, 'That's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon.'

What superhero loves being out in the sun?

Cap-tan America