Bar Breathes Collective Sigh Of Relief As Drunk Guy With Obnoxious Laugh Gets Really Invested In His Phone bit.ly/3WWyE1L

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35-Year-Old Unsure Why He Underwhelmed By First-Place Win In Magic: The Gathering Tournament bit.ly/3Vfk708

Bob Menendez Repeatedly Tries To Jam Gold Bar Into Courthouse Vending Machine bit.ly/4aIAbfq

Anti-Abortion Advocate Excitedly Switches Focus To Shaming Young Unwed Mothers bit.ly/3WSyQ23

Perdue Announces Initiative To Even The Playing Field By Giving Chickens Guns bit.ly/3WZuvKz

Grand Canyon National Park Installs New Mule Vending Machines bit.ly/3UUJtiq

Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation bit.ly/3wPM0SS

Disheveled Ben Affleck Sneaks In At Dawn Reeking Of Coffee After Spending All Night At 24-Hour Dunkin’ bit.ly/3Kgpshq

Religion Rocked By Another Molestation Whatever bit.ly/4cao8sr

God Testing Out Potential New Commandment On Mice bit.ly/3Klmecc

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Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married bit.ly/4bMS65e

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JoJo Siwa bit.ly/4bzzC8M

Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind bit.ly/3wOQ1ae

Vet Charges $6,000 To Hand Over Gun And Say ‘You Know What You Have To Do’ bit.ly/4bx3ouU

DOJ Sues Live Nation For Ticketmaster Monopoly bit.ly/3yyvPtP #WhatDoYouThink ?

Biden Bounces Back In Polls As Americans Notice Netflix Added A Few Good Shows Recently bit.ly/3WUJ6Hl

Report: School Shootings Either Way Down Or Too Depressing For Media To Cover bit.ly/3VavF4B

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