Today a kindergartener lovingly held my cheeks and told me adoringly that my face reminds them of a potato.

When people ask me whether my twin and I are identical, I am going to start saying no, because she has an iPhone and I have an Android.

I have an idea that will save American taxpayers millions of dollars. For Trump's birthday, we can just have a parade of the same army guys and tanks and stuff go around and around the White House in a circle like a dozen times each and call that the military parade.

The emperor is wearing no clothes and yet he still keeps sticking taxpayers with his laundry bill.

Today a kindergartener told me, "I'm having my childhood right now. I think it's going good so far."

I didn't care about the met gala until I found out srk is there

Do major league baseball coaches still take their teams out for ice cream if they win? You know what, don't tell me if they don't.

How many dolls could a family buy with the cost of one presidential golf trip?

DEEP DISH EUCHARIST

I just got in a hotel elevator with a couple of guys having an argument, but then I asked what buttons to press and they said 9 and 5. So I said "what a way to make a living" and they were quiet a moment. And then one of them said, "God bless Dolly Parton."

When this happens it means there's gonna be six more weeks of rehab

Today I passed by one of our custodians pushing a big ol' trash can on an indoor ramp. The custodian was quietly saying, "Weeeeee!"

I'm so excited for tomorrow! It's Field Day! a.k.a. Annual 6pm Bedtime Day.

please please please let the kids be as tired as the grownups today

Out walking my dog, and I saw one of my kindergarteners with packaging tape, putting stripes of it across the middle of his front door. Me: Hey buddy, what are you up to? Kindergartener: Me: Okay then, see you tomorrow. Kindergartener: See you Monday! Me: Tomorrow *is* Monday.

The kindergartner who started the school year obsessed with anglerfish is ending the school year obsessed with Cthulhu.

Gallant: I finally set myself up at a new gynecologist since my last one retired. Hooray for me! Goofus: accidentally requested my medical records using my work email

The situation in the Gaza Strip is increasingly worrying and painful. I renew my heartfelt appeal to allow the entry of dignified humanitarian aid and to bring an end to the hostilities, whose heart-rending price is borne by children, the elderly, and the sick.

When I get the ten-minutes-until notification of my doctor appointment and I am already checked in and in the waiting room, I feel like I'm winning at life.

No cat is more pathetic than one whose dinner will be exactly on time, and not an hour early and served twice.