Today, I asked a Gen Z if they thought I wasn’t Turtle-y enough for the Turtle Club, and they asked me wtf I was talking about. Jesus wept.

Harry: “I’m gonna write a tell-all with all the juicy secrets from my famous family, and how they’re basically a cult.” Jinger: “Hold my beverage.”

Name something supposedly casual that actually feels like a crime. I’ll go first: When I’m napping, and my dog is napping, but we aren’t napping together.

Sometimes I think I would like being famous, and could totally handle the heat. Then I remember how I’m STILL pressed about the one time someone left a mild critique in my honesty box in 2007.

The moms of sassy teens on Netflix shows are starting to get WAYYY to close to the same age as me. Who do I send my complaint to about this????

Between living with 3 parrots, 1 dog, and 1 human man, the first 4 hours of my day are spent politely but fervently begging one species to exist quieter, so that another species can sleep longer, before waking up cantankerously in search for food.

I’m so pissed off about this new #Netflix password-sharing debacle, I’d cancel my membership right this very moment if I’d been the one paying for it all these years.

My generation is so broke, we only know him as "Sherlock Rent"

Boyfriend: *buys brand new 4K TV* My dumbass: “idk the picture quality seems the same as the old TV???” Boyfriend: “It’s probably better if you wear your glasses.”

“Kerls erm breeeerrrrkerrrrn ernd erm ser LERRRRNSERRRRM” - Broken, by Seether

It has come to my attention that the open mics here in Nashville have seen a recent and monumental uptick in “women who own birds” content from men, and to that I say: - You’re welcome for the free material - I’ll take my royalties via Venmo or CashApp

YouTube be like: True Crime Host: “And what were your only daughter’s last words to you before she died?” Murdered Sorority Girl’s Mother: “She said… (stifles sob) she said to me-“ 🎶🎵🎶🎵WAYFAIR YOU’VE GOT JUST WHAT I NEED🎶🎵🎶🎵

Finding out I need a mouth guard to protect myself from my own teeth-grinding at night doesn’t seem very Thirty Flirty and Thriving of me. Where was THIS part in all the rom coms???

5pm central time today myself and a wonderful group of knuckleheads will be hanging out with Sydney Davis Jr. Jr. on her channel and chatting it up about religion 🤘🤘 come join us! There will be laughs, there will be tears, there will be heathenry! youtube.com/watch?v=akEOJz…

On this day, the first of July, in the 2023rd year of our lord, during my 31st trip around the sun, I tried to take a screenshot to show someone how my iphone screen was finally fixed.

Interested in appearing on an episode of "Growing Up Fundie"? We welcome Christians, Atheists, and everyone in between. I promise you: your story, your experiences, and your beliefs are interesting. forms.gle/pCfgxMSMnXS1KG…

Rebellion in my teens and 20’s: Eyeliner. Hot Topic. Music with the F word. Using my phone under the covers. Doing my homework in the morning instead of the night before. Wasting all my money on Starbucks. Forever 21. Rebellion in my 30’s: Still calling it Twitter.

Idk if you guys know this, but there’s actually a 28th amendment to the US Constitution, and it ratifies the law that, upon petting someone’s dog, you’re required to ask it if it smells your doggy on you.

Remember when we’d be in line at the grocery store with our moms, and the store was like “If you’re not afraid of Bat Boy, you should be.”

#IYKYK