[tells bad joke] Ghost: boo Me: so did you like it or

MR. BALLOON HANDS DID IT FIRST

My wife told me to stop kicking ice cubes under the appliances when I drop them. I told her it’s all water under the fridge now.

*Guy who hates turtles, to the tune of Astronaut In The Ocean*: I feel like a plastic straw in the ocean, yeah

In his defense, your honor, my client couldn’t tell what kind of eyes the puppy dog was giving him

They should make hats for people that are already wearing hats

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant" Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed "Hi disappointed, I'm dad" Son, did you just- "Yes" You're ready.

Biden: I'm gonna tell them how big your penis is Obama: just read the notecards I gave you Biden:

god: i have made Mankind angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that? Me: No Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin* Me: Nah Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Mom: Make America Great Again! Me:

Bringing a Ouija board to my finals so that all the kids that these exams killed can give me answers from the afterlife

Didn't know my ex was in town!!!!

Make emoticons great again ;)

Adams: If you're gay just tell us Franklin: I'm not gay! *Franklin finishes signing the declaration with a peacock quill* Franklin: what

What idiot called them nazi's instead of deutschbags

Flight school teacher: please no TopGun references for the love of God Me, the cool bad-boy in flight school: More like BottomGun

we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]

*takes drug test* Pizza Hut: sorry, you passed the drug test, we legally can't hire you here

Boss: do you ever get Me: yes Boss: tired of cutting people off before they're done speaking? Me: no