After a decade of hearing slammers complain about the bout draw, I've decided that from 2015 on, the draw will be alphabetical.

When the alphabetical draw system begins, I recommend not starting your team name with the letters Nu, De, or Sl.

It's my understanding that akamuu won the slam last week while I was away. Fine, Cantab. I'll never take another night off again.

I've been throwing #NPSShade since 2001 guys.

I fully expect #NPSShade to drag gay zeus crystal🥀 home in its teeth like a cat with an almost dead baby bunny.

"they're still writing poems, that's how we know they're not having any sex." -- Simone Fauxbien

I’m not insulted that you called my hosting style “militant feminist.” I’m disappointed that you think this is as militant as I get #6thgear

There is a common misunderstanding that I am often angry at other poets. I'm almost never angry at anyone but I am frequently disappointed.

I hope you all are looking forward to my debut Lauper-style album, "She's So Acerbic."

The MRA just made me spill my beer.

"Harry Potter" is the worst gender.

Feminism is a lot of work and turns everyone off.

If there's one thing I know, it's that going to poetry readings doesn't mean you're not a fuckhead.

If scowling at people was an Olympic sport, Taylor Mali would have bought me a gold medal by now #whereismymedaltaylor

Team?? Selection????? FINALS????????? WHY? Everybody knows I'm going to just fly to Oakland with 4 different costumes AND WIN

This is an April Fools joke right here.

Everyone on this year's Cantab team is too cool to tweet regularly. @BodaddyCrawfish @sophillazilla GlassEye Mckendy Fils-Aimé gay zeus crystal🥀

Kill your darlings. Maim your sweethearts. Give your loved ones a thorough tax audit. #itstheonlyway

Fuck your bullshit, I'm trying to poetate over here.

"In three months, these people will be wearing socks and sandals" --Simone Fauxbien at the Sour Beer Fest