friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

gatekeeper of heaven: next. oh hold on what are you doing here man

oj simpson: the glove did not fit

gatekeeper: are we really gonna go through this again

friend: you gotta see the eclipse man it looks amazing

me who would look up but i’m constantly on guard for the leprechaun that keeps trying to pants me in public: i bet it does

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

[first guy to go birdwatching] someone needs to be watching those fuckin things

[everyone at the funeral booing]

my wife: [talking over the speakers as ocean man by ween ends] i’m sorry but it was in his will [ocean man by ween starts again]

fiancé: how’s the bachelor party going??

me after the boys got way too drunk and legally adopted each other: it’s ok i guess

priest: what is wrong with you

me: [to funeral congregation] i’m so sorry everybody my headphones disconnected and-

crying father: why were you listening to alvin and the chipmunks

her: i’ve never heard a man be so vocal in bed before

me (was screaming through a leg cramp): i think it’s because i love you

[football coach takes me out of the huddle] you gotta stop crying

this dude is so annoying wtf

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

commercial: see why it’s recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists

the 5th dentist: i hate this shit so much dude. fuck this toothpaste

me: you wanted to see me?

boss: go ahead and take a seat

me: [drapes my cloak over the chair] is this about the cloak

pov: you are trying to explain to your parents that you didn’t do any acid

[watching nemo get taken by the guys in the boat]

me: *standing up* yeah he’s fucked. let’s get out of here, no way they find him

got too high last night and made this for some reason. idk

The final episode of Sesame Street where PG&E eventually isolates the gas leak and all of the Muppets just kind of disappear.

now that twitter is back up, we can get back to important discussions

you guys think spongebob is a virgin?

salesman: have you ever thought about switching to at&t

me: have you ever thought about crushing your dick in a bible