As if I could tell my friends’ kids apart before...now they’re in costumes.

Are those two bananas in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me and carrying a single banana?

Need a break from the news...Oh! This show NAZI JIHAD should make me feel better.

Seeing my natural hair color for the first time in over 20 years. Not *quite* how I remember it.

Always a read-only, never an edit.

There’s a serious political divide in America and it’s even starting to spread onto social media!

I don’t get it when I see skinny people running..... aren’t you done???

Hot new game for 2020: Is This Something I Ordered on Amazon or a Gift I'm Supposed to Open on Christmas?

I need an escape from how awful America is right now. [Turns on My 600 Lb. Life]

Why did The Beach Boys call the song Barbara Ann if her name was Bobber Ann?

Ever get the feeling everything's trying to kill you?

Can’t figure out why using these Clorox wipes make me crave Oreo thins.

Mattress companies need to update their pitch in 2021 to "You spend a third of your life NOT in bed."

Waze, but for drivers who only take right turns.

Ever feel like you're totally on top of it at work and then realize you've been staring at your Sent folder for the last hour?

Now when anyone dies, you can just say, “She’s with Betty White now.”

The hottest summer I ever spent was a winter in a pre-war New York apartment with a radiator

Steve Perry to Daryl Hall is the best part of "We Are the World." Don't @ me.

We were just Neanderthals staring at cave paintings before Peacock’s Gold Zone.

Why does the pharmacy think I would cook meth from Sudafed instead of just buying it from my neighbor? I don't even make my own pie crusts.