If I were a little mouse I’d make my residence in one of those St. Bernard brandy barrels. We’d just traipse around the alps, being gentle with one another.

That's Penelope. Hope this helps.

for every twenty likes this gets i’ll crown an animal: thread

“We hope this email finds you well.”

The email finding us.

Big Hollywood blind item: The horse from the Cowboy Carter album cover used to date one of the Clydesdales from the Wells Fargo commercials. Lots to discuss.

Crazy weekend! Me and the boys spent it doing push-ups at the club, patiently waiting for a mate to approach. No such luck. Philip got scared and dropped his tail in my margarita.

I MUST BE IN EVERY PHOTOGRAPH

u guys got any snacks on board

I DO NOT LIKE WHEN THE SKY IS SWITCHING IT UP

Your Dad was right 💅

Going on a first date and handing her this chicken when we meet

The fact that it's so easy to confuse etymology and entomology is just one of those linguistic bugs

If she has a million haters, I’m one of them. If she has one hater, it’s me. If she has no haters, the cursed amulet that keeps me on Twitter has been destroyed.

we meat (pun intended) again, my carnivorous friend, this time on my home turf

thanks for not chomping me. you'll def wanna check out memphis bbq while you're in town

until next time, my fav fossil ❤️🦖

If I was in charge, I’d switch it up. Star shapes, a cowboy hat even.

The canaries in coal mines should unionize.

Here at Stork Grackle Grackle & Macaw LLP, our bird lawyers work exclusively on quid pro crow cases. Sorry about this one.

A group of crows is a murder. A group of fish is a school. A group of palm trees is a volleyball team.

Big Zach and Little Alex said hi to SUE the T. rex 🦖 at the Field Museum and loved checking out the new exhibits.

The Field Museum is free for Illinois residents on Wednesdays and is a great outing for you and your Little to explore together!

Careful. It'll drop you like a bag of dirt. Be the bigger succulent and walk away. 🌵