Sure the cynical view is that Gorbachev's reforms in Russia didn't pay off it's still just as oppressive and corrupt under Putin - but Gorbachev's biggest legacy is probably in Eastern Europe & reunifying Germany. Hard to state how much one man literally changed the world

I’m walking up a flight of stairs right now so I know it must be leg day.

If I’ve forgotten your name, I consider it a personal attack for you to remember mine.

One day people will find out that all my best material is stolen from Over the Hedge (2006).

It was inevitable my life would reach this point; lifting weights at 2:36 am while listening to instrumental versions of late 80’s Nine Inch Nails tracks.

My 5 y.o.: Daddy did you know that Back to the Future and Total Dramarama are related to Futurama? Me: *crying tears of pure joy* That’s right son. That’s right.

What if The Simpsons didn’t predict the future, but manifested it.

My Dad turned 69 and my first thought was “Nice!” Then I realised that in 30-40 years, whatever social platforms we’re using then will be FLOODED with messages from ageing internet brokens posting stuff like, “Today I turned 69. Nice!” Hopefully climate change gets us first.

My son’s school is running a guessing competition and I my money is on; helium, 35, Nova Scotia, and Emperor Constantine. Can’t wait to hear the questions!

Trying to find the keyboard shortcut for, “Delete everything. Crash computer.” but it always seems to change? Anyone else have this problem???

day 1: take over company day 2: fire everyone whose job is to point out when ideas are bad day 3-6: put out as many bad ideas as possible, like a bad idea machine gun day 7: oh no where did the money go

Be Kind Rewind

Lol: Twitter sent an HR email to every laid off employee acknowledging it's late getting people their separation agreements and release of claims. But the company messed up the BCC and it has become a reply-all catastrophe.

Make sure to get to the airport 2 hours before your flight. But if you don’t have a flight, go whenever

a massage isn’t enough. i need someone to roll a tractor over me

everyone’s askin about the Weather forecast but nobody’s askin about Whether I have a podcast!! (I don’t)

I’ve gotta stop referring to sex as “Boom shakalaka”. The bus driver keeps telling me it’s not relevant right now and that my stop was seventeen blocks back.