I think I love Maximum effort burgers in Pontardawe

Bridge of truth innit Ross Kemp shouting at everyone sick of it

What of it

Can't be arsed with this place anymore proper full of chebs it is so bye then I'm off to Kenya for a bit

3 years ago in the woods

Imagine you hear the door knock at 3am yeah so you go to answer it thinking it's going to be someone asking for a picture of your dad but it's Don Muraco wearing nothing but a t shirt that says wok on it and has a tin of salmon hanging out of his arse

First crush of the season

Your mum's packed lunch that is

Still a bit deaf in my right ear yeah as my eardrum is exploded and everyone keeps getting ratty at me now as people hate saying something for a third time don't they like that guy in Austin Powers who falls off a cliff and says his wound smells of almonds

Did a fart that lasted so long the other day yeah I got told to just hurry up and pull it out as it was making to much noise and she couldn't hear the tv

Test from Jesus

Been ringing shoezone all morning asking them what the most absorbent shoes they sell are but nobody is giving me a straight answer so once again I'm going to have to head down there and lay down my authority

How is this interaction real?

Test from Jesus

Eaten a whole pack of cheddar cheese bite things a box of cherry bakewells a malteasers milkshake and a big pack of beef space raiders as snacks today and every time I fart a wormhole opens and the owl men ask me to draw Alison Moyet using a wet chick pea and crepe paper

Painted the postman's nails as his hand came through the letterbox today as a nice treat for him

Combine the words dog walker and joggers and you get doggers and who's always finding dead bodies in the woods makes you think doesn't it

Had a dream I was having a massive piss yeah and guess what had happened when I woke up that's right the huge life sized paper mache Paul Daniels figure in my bedroom had fallen over in the night face first into a toffee crisp I was saving