What’s it like being a mom? Well, imagine constantly being extremely dehydrated but always having to pee

We’re all just trying to feel better

Heatwave so hot in LA it’s making me want to rewatch Do the Right Thing

It’s taken a while for me to realize that all people want to see on a social media app is content from a different social media app

If you put a rocket ship emoji in your bio I just think you do cocaine

I think Dave Grohl was filling a void, perhaps attempting to achieve some kind of transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self. Sadly, in the end, he was only Foo Fighting himself.

I’m glad I’m not in charge of the English language. I probably would’ve named dogs Woofies etc.

His security team must not like him that much

My journey in comedy has been from “Am I right??” to “I am wrong.”

Gilmore Girls signals the fall but like not in the seasons way

I would describe Gen z’s style as the sleepover after the big party / we raided dad’s closet

*sighs heavily* I guess it’s time to buy Doge

To be fair, I’d probably appoint some Real Housewives to my cabinet

Nihilists, we should start our own river, we could call it the Nihil- wait..

It’s ok to cry over spilt eggs

If someone paid the GrubHub deliverers in NYC more than starvation wages they would have a literal army of bike riders.

Trump is so Eric Cartman coded

For the record, I never stopped calling it the Gulf of HBO Max

Being a parent is weird cuz how do you explain to someone that all you did was play with blocks with your toddler but it took all of your energy and you’re now a broken balloon floating in a sea of emptiness wondering where your identity is and also it’s time to cut up an apple…

Girls will be like “I needed this” and it’s just soy sauce