first time experiencing an evening:

they have good drivers in portugal i would’ve been in a ditch

Every time I’ve been fingerprinted the person fingerprinting me has gotten mad and accused me of wearing lotion and then when I wash my hands and am not easier to acquire fingerprints from they get even more mad. This tells me I should have done more crime

finally saw one in the wild. a beautiful vehicle, photos don't do it justice

ok who the hell vaccinated my grass

every time i feel like i’m bad at my job i just look at this rebrand and remind myself nobody will ever fuck up as bad as this

this must feel so satisfying for the bee

“hey man i cannot stop smoking pot for a little bit while you come over. you’re the one with a problem”

all of them. we must boink to survive

despite the storm i am still a trooper

i know that’s not a boeing

saw people rting this and got scared but then i found out it’s his birthday. happy birthday to a legend

political science majors are like damn i’ve got proxy warfare due monday

how much did he have to pay that porn site

i never thought it could happen to me. i just fucking ate shit

Idk why every hot sauce has to be named like that. I feel much more drawn to something called 'Jen's Really Good Hot Sauce' than like 'DA HOLE DESTROYER'

“early bird gets the worm” unless the worm sleeps in then you just got up early for no fuckin reason

teachers:

they go on the outside

they are going so fast because that’s cocaine