Send someone to Cracker Barrel and have them eat all the food. A real American magazine would do this. No more think pieces about what this means. Have them eat all the food. Seven hours in Cracker Barrel somewhere in America, gorging. Eat all the damn biscuits.

Go make a name for yourself, young writer. Stare into that gravy abyss and report back. Eat all the damn biscuits. 7, 8, 9 hours, whatever it takes.

Only 27 men will be reading literary fiction by 2032, according to my sources. 14 of those will be reading performatively. Heartbreaking.

I'd like my literary writers to show a little more self-control and restraint when it relates to commenting on current events. Put all that hectic energy into the work.

Whenever I see a guy reading—which is rare, thankfully—I grab the book and punt it. If he challenges me, I just kick his ass. We have to get the male reading number down to zero. We’re almost there.

If you see a guy reading a book this weekend, shame him. Let’s get that male readership down to zero.

Just got rid of all my books. Tossing those beautiful Ray collections in the dumpster was heartbreaking, but it had to be done. We're getting the male readership down to zero.

87 football games this weekend. Watch them all. Don't read a single book. Let's get that male readership down to zero. We're almost there.

You better be watching the games.

I've watched 147 football games this weekend. Miami vs Notre Dame still to come tonight. I've even found some time to watch a little tennis. I haven't read a single book. Doing my part to get the male readership down to zero.

The Ray renaissance is hitting its cinema stage. Beautiful.

Big game tonight. A must-win for Miami.

Caught a guy reading a book. He tried to run when he saw me, but his sedentary reading lifestyle was his downfall. He won't be reading again, I'll tell you that much. He can watch football now.

They're almost all gone. Only 22 left. If you catch one reading, you know what to do...

People are demanding that I write another literary man piece.

The Rage of the Performative Disappearing Literary Man. This one will do huge numbers, like all my pieces do. My fee is very high.

Insane levels of desperation with everyone involved in books/writing. Some of you should’ve been a little nicer a few years ago. Hard times in New York town.