Spent most of my adult life trying to find a balance between mindless optimism and crushing pessimism

Walked past the cathedral and wondered if even song was about to start, then started singing the words “even song” to the tune of “Even Flow”

I like the word ‘hitherto’ and would like to use it in a sentence as part of a tweet, unfortunately up until now and probably into the future I have not had the opportunity to use the word in a sentence, need to keep a look out, I’m sure I’ll get to use it in context!

You think David Cameron is watching the political fallout from his premiership, with the same embarrassment and shame that a child watching a hospital burn down from a fire that they unwittingly started, whilst pratting around with matches to impress his friends does?

First thing I’m gonna do once we are out of the EU and get rid of those ridiculous regulations is start my own child tattooing business.

So, am I right in thinking that if proroguing parliament brings the queens speech forward it’s also bringing Christmas earlier by nearly two months? #Borismas #mistlebojo

Anyone else ever worried that WiFi is a finite thing? A bit like coal? At any point it could just run o.....

Feel really irritable, if someone asked me what my spirit animal is I’d probably respond ‘the Clown from the story “IT”’

I think we forget that in all of this David Cameron is the victim.

There is not a word in the English language that encapsulates the feelings of both joyful relief and crushing disappointment that you feel from waking up from a dream in which you both shat yourself in public but also had became a millionaire.

This feels slightly better than a tennis club sponsored by a brand of heroin, but only slightly #SMACKtheball

I sometimes live vicariously through your tweets

Must have been a different Boris Johnson that cosied up to Steve Bannon.

"Would you like to meet your son's killer?" says President Jeremy Fucking Kyle.

History tweet, Joseph Merrick (the elephant man) checking his twitter feed circa 1878

Last night I told @CarlaSpeaks that I was drinking alcohol free beer. This morning I confessed that statement was only 92% true.

Rev Andy Croft has been cleared by the CofE to return to ministry, but has today resigned from #SoulSurvivor following the #MikePilavachi scandal. He said: "I need to acknowledge now that I myself have also been deeply impacted by aspects of Mike’s abusive behaviour."

Old labour, new danger? #forgetfullarsehole #shutupnow #thewisdomofamassmurderer

Football fact: Wayne Rooney is the lowest paid footballer in the premiership.

the only thing that stops a bad dog with a gun is a good dog with a gun....etc