🎶 i'm like a bird i eat things off the ground 🎶

There are not any remote software engineers at me, sorry

Luigi…no…

I'm gonna be honest about what a fuckin square I am: I was 15-20 in the early aughts and I can only confidently name a song by about five of these bands

Death, taxes, and a smug centrist's irresistible desire to take any imaginable opportunity to say 'in times like these, when the right is more violent and insane than it's been in nearly a century, I like to step back and remember that The Left Is Worse'

TOM BOMBADILLOOOO

We’re just normal men

For real though if joe buck doesn't get his tongue out of jerry Jones' and jimmy Johnson's assholes I'm going to throw up

Every dad I've ever met

All my friends fuck with the detto, chex can go corn itself

Dang it seems like a lot of real people all want me to know about, 'crafted from real Sherpa fabric'!!

Try finger but hole

You all let that tweet ear worm the song you hate the most into your head all day?
Bad move, shoulda stayed bo thoughts head empty 😎

Well well well, guess whose nephew was rejected from the Ivy where my dad got his PhD for—you guessed it—being white

'I haven't enjoyed a movie since 2014, I assume this is evidence of societal decline and not just me experiencing depression and anhedonia'

Did I do it am I a real Film Twitter now

When the biggest football man on the field gets the ball and chugga chugga choo choos all the way to the end zone it is the finest moment in any sport, ever. Nothing else, in the history of competition, can compare

Worry about shipping yourself with some bitches